Friday, June 3, 2011

The Nap Store

I apologize. It's been well over a month since I've written anything for Word Science. It's not that I've felt uninspired. I've been on a busy recruiting blitz at work, traveling to Cape Town, South Africa, and working hard on a new tech podcast, Edition, with my buddies Dylan and Zack. Don't worry, I miss you too. :)

As you all know, I love naming objects, residences, and other important inanimate objects in my life. I've got The Gator, The Roost, The Tweaky Cauldron, The Colfax Machine, the list goes on. Anyway, we've observed that napping is a favorite pastime of employees at Spartz Inc. We've got a nice little lounge area in our office with 2 couches where people can read or lie down and rest. This deserves a name. "What say you, Word Science gods?" Ahh, the Nap Store. I like that.


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Gatorape

Football is a beautiful American pastime. It is chock-full of wonderful traditions that we have all come to know and love, from shirtless painted chests in freezing weather to the out-all grillfest of a perfect tailgate. At the pinnacle of football victory, there is a near-universal experience that merits but one name.

That, my wordy readers, is Gatorape. There is a special face a man makes when he is Gatoraped. This face:











Sunday, March 13, 2011

A Reptile Dysfunction

No brilliant portmanteaus or word inventions this time, just this sweet totally-looks-like I made for the problem of having shitty little useless T-Rex arms, AKA "A Reptile Dysfunction."

A Reptile Dysfunction Totally Looks Like Cartman-Kyle Slap Fight

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Losing Heat

It was a bit of a routine by then, seeing his daughter come rushing down the wooden stairs and into the kitchen. Every Sunday at 8am. The same rich smell of coffee. The same sunshine in the window.

"Morning, Daddy!"

"Morning, Aly."

She ran to his side to hug him. He met her energy with a gentle embrace. She was getting taller each time he saw her.

It wasn't always like this. Only Sunday, when he would come visit to see her and take her to church, then spend the afternoon together. It was that little bit of time each week that felt special, despite the routine of it all.

"How is school going?" he asked.

"Great!"

"You workin' hard?"

"Yes," she said bashfully.

"Tell me something you learned."

"We learned about engines."

"You know, your daddy knows a thing or two about engines. Spent the last 15 years gettin real good with engines. You see that car out there, it's got a great engine. That same kind of engine was invented over 100 years ago. When we put together a new engine, we have to be sure all the parts fit together just right. If not, the engine might not work, or it might just waste a lot of gas. You got a leaky engine and you're burning fuel but you're losing heat. Over the years, they've gotten better at making engines. That's because these smart men called engineers are always working to make the engine better."

She smiled and looked right up at him.

"I want be an engineer."

"Well, honey, you gotta keep workin hard in school. You learn as much as you can, and you don't forget a thing. In fact, I want to ask you something."

"Yeah?"

"You keep a diary?"

"No."

"I want you to start keeping a diary. You write in it every day, something you learned. You go to school, you hear something from your mom, you write it down. You think of something new, you write it down. You read, or you hear something on the TV, you write it down. You go learn as much as you can, and you don't forget a thing."

"Okay, daddy."

"Remember, honey, you write everything down and you won't forget it. You'll be like a good engine, keeping all that energy inside. I promise you, you do that, you can be anything you want."

She jumped off the chair. "Daddy, I want to be a writer."

"Why is that, honey?"

"I don't want to keep anything inside. I want to share. If I'm just keeping it to myself, then it's no good."

Monday, December 20, 2010

The New Age "Gold Digger"

This one is courtesy of my roommate Dylan Spartz, word scientist grasshopper. Happy belated Birthday, buddy!

We are all familiar with the term "Gold Digger." A long time ago, a wise word scientist before me invented this brilliant term to describe (usually) women who pursue wealthy men for reasons of wealth. I presume the coining of this term occurred long after gold digging, as a profession, fell out of vogue.

I have observed a new dynamic, in which similar individuals (whether they be female or male) exercise a similar pattern of searching for love based on wealth. Only this time, the target in question does not yet possess said wealth, only the perceived promise of future wealth.

I do not mean, of course, this behavior mimics the way a Victorian Age woman would pursue an heir to a throne/fortune he hadn't yet inherited. What I intend to illustrate is the conscious/unconscious calculation that a young adult of intelligence and ambition will one day possess great status and wealth.

It would be inappropriate to call this person a "gold digger" in the same way we cannot truly call a 12-year-old girl crushing over a statuesque classmate a "jersey chaser." There's neither gold nor jersey to be found. Not yet.

Searching far and wide for the perfect term, it fell into my lap by the graces of Dylan Spartz.

Gold Digger -  Current Possession of Gold =  "Prospector"


It's just too perfect. 


Thanks for reading, ladies and gents. Now enjoy this wonderful take on Kanye's "Gold Digger" by Joseph Ducreux.



Thursday, December 9, 2010

World's Largest Bottleneck


I love when I stumble upon hilarious distortions of language that are unpredictable. Occasionally, English doesn't work out the way you want it to. You meant to say one thing and really said another.

Speaking about work recently, I mentioned that I was "World's Largest Bottleneck" not long ago.

Only problem is, by adding superlatives to objects where small size is characteristic, you actually invert the meaning, creating an oxymoron. "World's Largest Bottleneck" wouldn't be much of a bottleneck at all. It would actually be easy for things to flow through it. A little too easy.

There's very few that work out as perfectly as this. Oxymorons are everywhere, but plenty aren't or don't seem contradictory at all.

Some of my personal favorites:

Found missing
A definite maybe
Soft rock
Freezer Burn
Militant Pacifist
Crash Landing

What are your favorite oxymorons?